[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Saturday, February 4 2012, 7:03 P.M.
At that time I was sitting on my couch, watching the Wildcats absolutely dominate the Gamecocks of South Carolina. Anthony Davis was having another block party (without the hot dogs and kool-aid- Jimmy Dykes), and every ball he sent flying not only posed a physical danger to any spectator within 20 yards of the basket, but also left me wondering how it was possible that a human being’s arms could be so damn long. I began asking myself, “How did he do it? How did his arms reach such a ridiculous length? Did he drink excessive amounts of whole milk? Eat carrots, broccoli or lima beans? Pray for it? Stem cells?” And then it hit me; All of these excuses would be too convenient for our favorite player “Anthony Davis”, as he likes to call himself. Prepare yourself for the truth.
Combining my fearful skepticism and investigative research skills (all of which comes from the computer game “Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego”), I began digging deeper into the depths of uncertainty regarding the true origins of the Wildcats’ 6’10” freshman from Chi-town. I called newspapers all across the country, asking anyone and everyone for any rumors regarding AD23’s identity (strangely enough when I called the New York Times and mentioned Anthony Davis, within seconds I was transferred to a man named Pete’s private line; apparently he already had a couple of stories ready to go, but none on Davis’s suspected false identity, although I heard him furiously writing down everything I said whilst unzipping his pants.) Disappointingly, after many hours and a countless amount of phone calls made, I had found nothing.
Accepting defeat, I attempted to remove myself from my investigation by sitting down and playing one of my favorite video games, Street Fighter II for SNES (Super Nintendo, get with the acronym.) Scrolling through the character menu screen, I came across the ever so dependable Dhalsim, whose fighting style is yoga based which allows him to stretch his body to punch and kick at long distance (see picture below.)
Look at that wingspan! Does it look familiar? That’s because you’ve already seen it in action 25 times already this year. My point?
ANTHONY DAVIS’S REAL NAME IS DHALSIM.
Although he would like us to believe his hometown is Chicago, we now know the truth. Dhalsim was born in India, and the only reason he left his small village in the first place was to compete in a street fighting tournament so he could use the winnings to feed his village. Once those earnings were used up (most likely attributed to the rapid population growth in India), Dhalsim was forced to leave his village once more to make money. The only problem was that street fighting tournaments were just so 1991, leaving Dhalsim searching for a way to make money. Enter: ANTHONY DAVIS
After minimal research, Dhalsim figured that the best way to use his talents to make money for his village was to play in the NBA. And what is the best way to make it to the NBA? Play at Kentucky.
We’ve all been made a fool of. If I wasn’t such a big Kentucky fan, I would call the I.C.E. to report an illegal alien.
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