[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Welcome to the weekly Top 5. This week’s list reviews athleticism boosting haircuts. Many years of research went into the production and compilation of the statistics used in this post. You’re lucky I’m a philanthropist at heart, otherwise I would have sold these secrets to the highest bidder. Let’s begin.
5. Shaved Head
The shaved head is reserved for either the most serious of athletes (see above) or athletes who are most likely to call Bosley and ask them for a free brochure. The only reason this “haircut” is on the list is because of the guy above who used to play for my second favorite basketball team, the Tune Squad. I think he was pretty good.
Aerodynamics: 10
Style: 1
Intimidation: 6
Swag: 3
4. Cornrows—->Afro
The cornrow to afro double threat is the only transformation that Optimus Prime is not capable of (get to work Michael Bay.) This combination of grit and flair brings a completely unique skill set to a player’s arsenal (or should I say Tottenham) of evasive maneuvers. One dollar to whoever can name the player pictured above.
Aerodynamics: 5 —> 1
Style: 6 —> 9
Intimidation: 7 —> 3
Swag: 4 —> 9
3. Flat Top
Just remember this Nerlens: Skywalker did it first.
Aerodynamics: 5
Style: 10
Intimidation: 7
Swag: 8
2. Mullet
Mullets ARE America. Business in the front, party in the back (please etch that into my gravestone when I die.) Its never easy to pull off, as many people don’t understand the mullet and are afraid of its white trash allure. John Kruk wore it with pride.
Aerodynamics: 6
Style: 9
Intimidation: 10
Swag: 7
1. Dreads
Do you own EASports’s NCAA Football video game? If so, turn it on, go to edit players and add dreads to your favorite player. Now go look at that players attributes, and you will find that his speed rating has increased by 10. Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself.
Fact: DREADS MAKE YOU FASTER. Want superhuman powers? Forget getting bitten by a radioactive spider, just invest a couple of years of your life to not cutting your hair.
Aerodynamics: 2
Style: 10
Intimidation: 8
Swag: Infinite
Honorable Mention: Mustache (usually reserved for post retirement by athletes)
That’s all for today. Anything I missed on the list? Comment, y’all. Be sure to tip your waiters, I’ll be here all week.
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February 20th, 2012 at 11:57 am
What about being bald? MJ, Shaq, Sir Charles, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Wayne Rooney, Bill Goldberg, Terry Bradshaw. Some of the greatest of all time have lost their hair. Once Lebron loses the rest of his hair he will start winning championships.
February 20th, 2012 at 12:12 pm
1. MJ, Shaq, Sir Charles, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Goldberg… Didn’t they all shave their balding heads? (Wayne Rooney has hair plugs now, so he is no longer bald)
February 20th, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Creative! I hate the mullet, so hopefully we won’t be seeing any of that.
February 20th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I bet Wiltjer would get a mullet if enough people asked…he loves the fans
February 20th, 2012 at 12:41 pm
3. Are you afraid of it?
4. Start a petition please?
February 20th, 2012 at 12:53 pm
I got ya now, before when the picture wasnt working I was thinking you meant shaved head like john wall or rose.
February 20th, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Cornrows to afro is Benoit Assou-ekotto. The arsenal/tottenham joke was pure gold, too bad only 5 people will understand it