[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Welcome to the weekly Top 5. This week’s list reviews athleticism boosting haircuts. Many years of research went into the production and compilation of the statistics used in this post. You’re lucky I’m a philanthropist at heart, otherwise I would have sold these secrets to the highest bidder. Let’s begin.
5. Shaved Head
The shaved head is reserved for either the most serious of athletes (see above) or athletes who are most likely to call Bosley and ask them for a free brochure. The only reason this “haircut” is on the list is because of the guy above who used to play for my second favorite basketball team, the Tune Squad. I think he was pretty good.
The cornrow to afro double threat is the only transformation that Optimus Prime is not capable of (get to work Michael Bay.) This combination of grit and flair brings a completely unique skill set to a player’s arsenal (or should I say Tottenham) of evasive maneuvers. One dollar to whoever can name the player pictured above.
Aerodynamics: 5 —> 1
Style: 6 —> 9
Intimidation: 7 —> 3
Swag: 4 —> 9
3. Flat Top
Just remember this Nerlens: Skywalker did it first.
Mullets ARE America. Business in the front, party in the back (please etch that into my gravestone when I die.) Its never easy to pull off, as many people don’t understand the mullet and are afraid of its white trash allure. John Kruk wore it with pride.
Do you own EASports’s NCAA Football video game? If so, turn it on, go to edit players and add dreads to your favorite player. Now go look at that players attributes, and you will find that his speed rating has increased by 10. Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself.
Fact: DREADS MAKE YOU FASTER. Want superhuman powers? Forget getting bitten by a radioactive spider, just invest a couple of years of your life to not cutting your hair.
Honorable Mention: Mustache (usually reserved for post retirement by athletes)
That’s all for today. Anything I missed on the list? Comment, y’all. Be sure to tip your waiters, I’ll be here all week.
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