[Moderated by Matt Jones]

February 20, 2012

Top 5 Haircuts That Make You Better at Sports

by @ 11:25 am. Filed under All Cats Everything


Welcome to the weekly Top 5. This week’s list reviews athleticism boosting haircuts. Many years of research went into the production and compilation of the statistics used in this post. You’re lucky I’m a philanthropist at heart, otherwise I would have sold these secrets to the highest bidder. Let’s begin.


5. Shaved Head

The shaved head is reserved for either the most serious of athletes (see above) or athletes who are most likely to call Bosley and ask them for a free brochure. The only reason this “haircut” is on the list is because of the guy above who used to play for my second favorite basketball team, the Tune Squad. I think he was pretty good. 

Aerodynamics: 10

Style: 1

Intimidation: 6

Swag: 3


4. Cornrows—->Afro

The cornrow to afro double threat is the only transformation that Optimus Prime is not capable of (get to work Michael Bay.) This combination of grit and flair brings a completely unique skill set to a player’s arsenal (or should I say Tottenham) of evasive maneuvers. One dollar to whoever can name the player pictured above.

Aerodynamics: 5 —> 1

Style: 6 —> 9

Intimidation: 7 —> 3

Swag: 4 —> 9


3. Flat Top

Just remember this Nerlens: Skywalker did it first.

Aerodynamics: 5

Style: 10

Intimidation: 7

Swag: 8


2. Mullet

Mullets ARE America. Business in the front, party in the back (please etch that into my gravestone when I die.) Its never easy to pull off, as many people don’t understand the mullet and are afraid of its white trash allure. John Kruk wore it with pride.

Aerodynamics: 6

Style: 9

Intimidation: 10

Swag: 7


1. Dreads

Do you own EASports’s NCAA Football video game? If so, turn it on, go to edit players and add dreads to your favorite player. Now go look at that players attributes, and you will find that his speed rating has increased by 10. Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself.

Fact: DREADS MAKE YOU FASTER. Want superhuman powers? Forget getting bitten by a radioactive spider, just invest a couple of years of your life to not cutting your hair.

Aerodynamics: 2

Style: 10

Intimidation: 8

Swag: Infinite


Honorable Mention: Mustache (usually reserved for post retirement by athletes)


That’s all for today. Anything I missed on the list? Comment, y’all. Be sure to tip your waiters, I’ll be here all week.

7 Responses to “Top 5 Haircuts That Make You Better at Sports”

  1. ACassady_KSR Says:

    What about being bald? MJ, Shaq, Sir Charles, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Wayne Rooney, Bill Goldberg, Terry Bradshaw. Some of the greatest of all time have lost their hair. Once Lebron loses the rest of his hair he will start winning championships.

  2. Chris Jones Says:

    1. MJ, Shaq, Sir Charles, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Goldberg… Didn’t they all shave their balding heads? (Wayne Rooney has hair plugs now, so he is no longer bald)

  3. Meagatron Says:

    Creative! I hate the mullet, so hopefully we won’t be seeing any of that.

  4. Ally Tucker Says:

    I bet Wiltjer would get a mullet if enough people asked…he loves the fans

  5. Chris Jones Says:

    3. Are you afraid of it?
    4. Start a petition please?

  6. ACassady_KSR Says:

    I got ya now, before when the picture wasnt working I was thinking you meant shaved head like john wall or rose.

  7. Ian Says:

    Cornrows to afro is Benoit Assou-ekotto. The arsenal/tottenham joke was pure gold, too bad only 5 people will understand it

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