[Moderated by Matt Jones]

January 17, 2012

The Grades Are In…

by @ 10:11 am. Filed under All Cats Everything


Thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr., (not to be confused with his father, who received quite a bit of credit via Twitter yesterday for quotes I’m pretty sure he never said and dreams I’m pretty sure he never had) many of us enjoyed a rare three day weekend. Over the holiday weekend we learned a few things. Thanks to a cruise ship accident, we learned that there is an outside chance we will finally have the sequel we’ve all been waiting for: Titanic 2. We learned that everyone is capable of making a Jarnell Stokes stretching joke (guilty as charged!). And we learned that the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team earned a formidable 2.71 average GPA for the fall term. 


As with any report card, the grade itself only tells half the story. I was able to pull some strings, uncovering the more detailed report cards for each of the team’s players. The following report cards were sent home to the parents and guardians of the following students:


Michael Kidd-Gilchrist                                    Final Grade:        A+

Teacher’s Comments:       Michael has been such a joy to have in class his semester. He has been coming in every morning before school for extra tutoring and he has been making sure that all of his classmates eat a healthy breakfast. We are a little concerned though because he keeps trying to give away his seat in the front of the class to his friend Darius. 


Kyle Wiltjer                                               Final Grade:         C

Teacher’s Comments:      We have noticed a slight improvement in Kyle’s work over the past week or two. Generally speaking, Kyle is a good kid but he and his best friend Jarrod giggle and chat their way through class almost every day. We’ve also noticed that when Kyle gets picked on by other classmates, he can’t seem to figure out how to defend himself. 


Darius Miller                                               Final Grade:         B

Teacher’s Comments:       Darius has been doing a great job when it comes to the big things like tests and quizzes. In contrast, he has struggled a bit on the smaller assignments. We’ve also had to get on Darius because he keeps taking the hall pass, disappearing for long periods of time before deciding to show up again. 


Eloy Vargas                                                Final Grade:         B

Teacher’s Comments:         We try not to overwhelm Eloy by asking him to do too much, but he’s been doing a decent job of completing the tasks we have given him. He has some trouble when it comes to turning assignments into the “completed work” bin. We find a lot of his assignments on the floor next to the bin, so very close to making it in. We did want to share a concern with you regarding Eloy. Lately we have noticed him looking up pictures of centaurs on the Internet. He carries the pictures around with him all day–studying them incessantly and asking us a lot of bizarre questions about the possibility of him being adopted. We just thought you should know. 


Terrence Jones                                            Final Grade:         B-

Teacher’s Comments:          To say that Terrence has had an up and down year would be a bit of an understatement. He seems to have trouble living up to the high expectations others had for him after he completed such a strong summer school semester. Also, Terrence seems to get slightly offended and self-conscious whenever he makes a mistake and we tell him to “just keep your chin up.”


Anthony Davis                                              Final Grade:        A

Teacher’s Comments:           Anthony has had a wonderful semester. When he gets into the zone while doing his work, he really has a knack for being able to block everything out. We do have one concern with Anthony. He has been having some trouble with handwriting, in particular the letter “i.”  Instead of putting a dot, he keeps putting a single line over his “i’s.”


Doron Lamb                                                 Final Grade:        B

Teacher’s Comments:            We’ve noticed that Doron wears 3 goggles. We think it might be time for him to be fitted for a new pair or have the prescription altered. His 3 goggles just haven’t been working as well for him lately. 


Marquis Teague                                             Final Grade:         C+

Teacher’s Comments:             Marquis has only been turning in partially completed assignments this semester. When he does his work, it’s great. He’s just inconsistent about turning it in. We just wish his work ethic were a little bit more like his 2 brothers, John and Brandon, who took this class before him. Also, perhaps this is out of bounds and we shouldn’t say this, (it’s kind of like that awkward moment when you have to tell a 12 year old that it’s time to start wearing deodorant) but Marquis is probably ready to start shaving. 

 @AllyTuckerKSR   *Follow me, everything is alright…I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night (Just kidding, that’s creepy)



53 Responses to “The Grades Are In…”

  1. The Older Gonch Says:

    Love this!!! Marquis really does need to lose the ‘stache!

  2. McLeod Says:

    Tucker, thank you for making everyone at my office think I am crazy. Snuck into the back room to read it on my phone, and couldn’t stop laughing like a maniac. I loved them all, but particularly enjoyed Vargas’ and Davis’ report card comments. I do hope you will give us report card updates throughout the rest of the season! Great first article! Best thing i’ve read in days! KSR should be proud!!!

  3. Transy Clay Says:

    I believe by spring semesters end, Davis’ “i” punctuality will correct itself. However, until that time, if he can continue to take the heat from his peers and overlook this mishap, all roads lead to Anthony walking across the stage at the top of his class.

  4. Slade Says:

    First. On the first post.

  5. KentuckyRosie Says:

    What a great post! I can’t wait to see what else this author writes! I also think doron needs a new pair of goggles. Great job by a new blogger!

  6. Britt 10.47 (I think) Says:

    Wow I couldn’t stop laughing. So true and very insightful. It’s funny how you can put into words what I’m sure everyone else thinks but can’t say. Obviously since I’m rambling. Keep it up!

  7. Baby Butt Says:

    Doesn’t surprise me one bit to see that you were the first to post. And I’m loving the part about Anthony’s problem dotting his i’s, poor guy just can’t help it.

  8. Transy Clay Says:

    Davis will continue to better his “i” punctuality through the spring semester. However, if he can continue to take the heat from his peers in the classroom, all roads lead to him walking across the stage at the top of his class.

  9. BMiller Says:

    Tucker, this is hilarious! and so true. Loved the part about kyle and “his best friend Jarrod, giggling through class”…. that made me giggle myself. Way to go friend! Can’t wait to read more in the future.

  10. Hayley Minogue Says:

    Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. And if I didn’t already follow you, not only would this post get me, but the uncle cracker reference would solidify the deal.

  11. Katherine Workinger Says:

    You make me actually like reading about sports. Titanic 2 reference? Sold. (as a new follower)

  12. Dad Says:

    Nice job on first post. Really enjoyed the “grade” theme.

  13. smarts Says:

    Teacher says this is spot on. Clever and made me laugh!

  14. Colleen Says:


  15. kdh2011 Says:

    Excellent post! Funny and accurate.

  16. Bekah Says:

    Awesome job Tuck Tuck!

  17. Toddler Says:

    Tucker! I love the educational approach. You are very witty! Keep the creativity coming!!

  18. BlueBlood Says:

    @AllyTuckerKSR- I give this post an A+!

  19. Katie Says:

    Your creativity astounds me! Keep it up and people won’t be able to resist this site!

  20. babycat Says:

    LOVE IT!

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  22. En Jay Says:

    A+. keep up the good work!

  23. LCS Says:

    More like this please, keep ’em coming!

  24. Meredith Says:

    Fantastical. Too bad Cal doesn’t publish weekly report cards like this for us all.

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